Turning Tension into Connection
The word conflict has probably become part of your household vocabulary and that’s completely normal. At this stage, your children are going through major changes: they seek to understand themselves in relation to others, to be validated, to belong, and to get to know who they are. At the same time, you as a parental figure are also experiencing your own adjustments in terms of identity, validation, and adaptation to the new family dynamics that are taking shape.
It’s common for many conversations to turn into negotiations about schedules, schoolwork, group projects, the use of electronic devices, playtime, rest time, friendships, and more. And quite often, as a parent, you may not agree with their perspective or choices.
How can conflicts become opportunities for connection with your children?
Instead of seeing conflicts as battles that must have a winner, it’s better to view them as opportunities to learn, change, and grow. A well-managed conflict gives your children valuable tools for the future: it teaches them how to act, how to respond, and how to find calm, thoughtful solutions. To achieve this, we suggest the following:
- Breathe and aim to stay impartial. Try to listen with emotional distance that is, from the perspective of an outside observer. Avoid becoming defensive.
- Avoid reacting when emotions are overflowing. It’s perfectly valid to postpone the conversation until you feel calmer and more centered. Once emotions subside, you’ll be able to speak with clarity and respect. This is called self-control a skill your children also need to learn by observing it in you.
- Listen first. At this stage, it’s common for teenagers’ emotions to change rapidly, to conflict with one another, and for them not to fully understand what they’re feeling. Active listening is crucial, because your children are facing more intense and complex challenges than in earlier years. Beyond listening, pay attention to the words they use, their emotions, and their perception of events
A key part of listening is avoiding judgment about their friends, relationships, tastes, and interests. If they sense criticism in your words, they’ll quickly pull away. Instead, ask questions that encourage them to reflect on their thoughts, actions, or friendships.
- Negotiate. The goal isn’t to decide who wins the conflict, but to understand each other. Find ways for both sides to benefit, always emphasizing shared responsibility and the non-negotiable boundaries you need to uphold.
Conflicts will always exist but fights and power struggles shouldn’t. Those dynamics break communication and weaken authority. An adult who stays calm and in control sets a powerful example: showing that true strength lies in serenity, self-regulation, and the ability to manage conflict intelligently.
At this stage, it’s essential to be clear, assertive, firm, and loving. Nurture the relationship through affection, admiration, and respect. This happens when your children see you as an authority figure who follows through with consequences both positive and negative and as someone they can trust to talk to and express their feelings.
As students, your children are doing their best at school: they’re joining new groups, exploring new activities, discovering new sensations, and learning to recognize their own limits. At school, we encourage them to express themselves in many ways. Through debates, student councils, and committees, they learn to question, negotiate, and reach agreements with others strengthening their critical thinking and social skills.
A large part of our work focuses on strengthening their ability to resolve conflicts, communicate empathetically, be independent, and collaborate with others. The way you handle disagreements at home is also part of their learning and an essential part of the shared preparation we build together for their future.